


Great Comet shenanigans

by macabremusic



Category: Natasha Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812 - Malloy
Genre: Everyone Is Gay, Fix It, Modern AU, Multi, and happy, chat fic, hes kinda nice actually, kind of, nobody really hates anatole, they have snapchat, they just act like they do
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-15 12:53:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 1,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28563843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/macabremusic/pseuds/macabremusic
Summary: Massive chat fic that I made based on 1 danatole fanart I have
Relationships: Andrei Nikolayevich Bolkonsky/Natalya "Natasha" Ilyinichna Rostova, Fyodor "Fedya" Ivanovich Dolokhov/Anatole Vasilyevich Kuragin, Marya "Mary" Nikolaevna Bolkonskaya/Sofia "Sonya" Alexandrovna Rostova, Marya Dmitryevna Akhrosimova/Elena "Hélène" Vasilyevna Kuragina
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8





	1. idk honestly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i have no idea what the fuck this is. please dont read it. (Also Modern AU and can you tell that my favorite character is Dolokhov?) 
> 
> Lena/crackhead mf- Hélène  
> Marya D/milf.- Marya   
> D/fedya/Fed- Dolokhov   
> Anatole/Anal toe/Tolya   
> Natasha- Natasha  
> Sonya/good- Sonya  
> Pierre/Peter- Pierre

*Anatole added Lena and D to the chat*

D: Anatole what the fuck. 

Anatole: What’s wrong 

D: I’m just wondering why you added me to a chat with your sister when it’s three in the morning and I’m literally right next to you, that’s all. 

Lena: no seriously Tole wtf 

Anatole: You too? Maybe I just wanted to chat with my two favorite people! 

*Lena added Marya D. to the chat* 

Marya D.: You’re too sweet. Hélène, why have you added me to a conversation with… him? 

Anatole: Hey! I just complimented you! You and my sister, my two favorite people! 

D: ….. 

Anatole: what 

D: I am literally right here. 

Anatole: Don't pinch me! 

*D added Natasha to the chat* 

D: Yell at him for me, will you? 

Natasha: Gladly. 

Anatole: huh

Natasha : ANATOLE YOU GODDAMNED SON OF A BITCH

Anatole: oh 

*Natasha changed Anatole’s name to Anal toe* 

Anal toe: Now that’s just cruel. 

D: and funny. 

Lena: popcorn, anyone? 

Marya D: Of course. 

*Natasha added Sonya to the chat* 

Sonya: How would you give out virtual popcorn? Just curious. 

Lena: oh, she’s here with me. Brb

Natasha: huh.

*Anal toe added D into a private chatroom* 

Anal toe: Can you change my name back? 

D: no. 

Anal toe: pretty please with a kiss on top

D: fine. kiss first.

*D changed Anal toe’s name to Tolya* 

*Main Chat* 

Tolya: Now we gotta match. 

*Tolya changed D’s name to Fedya* 

Fedya: dude just go to the bathroom and come back in here. 

Marya D.: TMI 

fedya: shit wrong chat

Marya D.: Clearly. Natasha, how are you? 

Natasha: I’m god

Natasha: Good* 

Lena: still works ;) 

Sonya:  _ just gonna sing to myself, ‘cause I’m not uncomfortable at all _

fedya: I feel you. I have to deal with her  **brother.**

Sonya: oof


	2. fml

*Private chatroom for Tolya and Lena* 

Lena: you guys should come over tonight. 

Tolya: ‘cant. 

Lena: ? 

Tolya: I have to go to the bathro

Tolya: the bathroom

Lena: just go you idiot

Tolya: i. cant. 

Lena: why not? 

*Tolya sent an image* 

Lena: i stg if this was a pic meant for fed I will beat the shit out of you. 

Tolya: it’s not i promise

Tolya: help me 

Lena: AIUBibibbsvhbvbhsoisoiwnd

Tolya: ?

Lena: you look fucking terrified

Tolya: Well he passed out and now i’m too scared to wake him up.

Lena: is he drunk?

Tolya: Nah, he just said he was tired. 

Lena: hold on

*Lena took a screenshot* 

*Main chat* 

Lena: They’re not coming..

Natasha: Why? Not that I care. 

Tolya: don't you fucking dare

Lena: too late. 

Lena: dolokhov’s sleeping on top of him and he’s too scared to move 

Tolya: fuck you

Sonya: aww 

Tolya: I’m gonna be honest I forgot you were here. 

Sonya: That’s alright (everyone does) 


	3. short

*Lena added Tolya and fedya to a private chat* 

Lena: i'm serious you two should come over

fedya: aight

Lena: your awake? 

fedya: You’re* and yeah

Tolya: k 

Tolya: give me an hour

Fedya: noooooo

Lena; ?

fedya: now he’s gonna be in the bathroom for two hours

Fedya: I’m cold

Fedya: he abandoned me 

Fedya: Anatole come back

Fedya: i feel betrayed

Lena: well when you get here you won’t be cold…. ;) 

fedya: fvck you 

fedya: i'm celibate 

Tolya: you weren’t last night


	4. fedya the lifesaver

*Main Chat* 

*Natasha added Pierre to the chat* 

Pierre: ? 

Pierre: Why am I here

Natasha: Because we all are and no one’s going to be left out

Sonya: that’s sweet

Natasha: Where are you anyway? 

Sonya: …….the park 

Natasha: With who? 

Sonya: Fyodor

Natasha: Can I join? Pierre you can come too.

Sonya: Sure brb

*Sonya added fedya to a private chat* 

Sonya: help 

Sonya: help me 

Fedya: what 

Sonya: I might’ve told Natasha we were at the park but I really snuck Mary out to go to the movies with her and now she wants to come too. And she’s bringing Pierre.

Fedya: oof 

Sonya: I know

Sonya: you gotta help me 

Fedya: did you call me Fyodor? 

Sonya: is that not your name? 

Fedya: Yeah

Fedya: I don’t like it though

Fedya: That’s literally the sole reason I go by Dolokhov 

Sonya: Well

Sonya: Can I call you Fedya then? 

Fedya: No

Fedya: What park I’ll be there in 10 

Sonya: Gibsy’s 

Fedya: You bring Mary and I’ll bring Anatole. They’ll leave to go to the ice cream shop down the road. Hélène will pick Anatole up, Marya will keep Mary at her place. 

Sonya: You're a lifesaver 

*Lena, Tolya and Fedya’s private chat* 

Fedya: Elena

Lena: huh

Fedya: Sonya lied to Natasha that we’re at Gibsy’s park together when she’s really at the movies with Mary. She’s gonna bring Mary to the park and I’ll bring Anatole. They will go to the ice cream shop down the road. That’s when you come in. Get Anatole and Mary, and circle back to our place.

Lena: When did she tell you this?

Fedya: 2 minutes ago. Well be there in 10, you should be too. 

Fedya: Also, Pierre is coming so you might want to hurry. 

*Sonya and Fedya’s private chat* 

Fedya: Okay

Fedya: I texted Hélène 

Fedya: She’ll be at the ice cream place in 15 minutes for Anatole and Mary. 

Sonya: Why are you bringing him in the first place

Fedya: he uh 

Fedya: he begged to come 

Fedya: said it would be exciting 

*10 minutes later* 

Fedya: We’re here

Fedya: Where are you? 

Sonya: Near the trees in the back.

Fedya: k


	5. anatole is annoying

*Tolya and Fedya’s private chat* 

Fedya: ask your sister to drop Mary back off with Sonya. She’s on the bench at Gibsy’s. 

Tolya: you’re done? 

Fedya: yea

Tolya: oh thank god 

Tolya: i was so lonely

Tolya: come back home now please 

Fedya: Well come get me. Or ask Hélène to pick me up. 

Tolya: i'm too lazy

Fedya: oh well

Tolya: cmon mon amour… 

Tolya: come back 

Fedya: fine. Get Hélène 

  
  
  
  


*Tolya and Lena’s private chat* 

Tolya: elena

Lena: ?

Tolya: can you pick up my boyfriend 

Tolya: please

Tolya: he wants me to come get him but i'm too lazy

Tolya: lena

Tolya: don't ignore me ‘

Tolya: lena’

Tolya: Hélène 

Tolya: Elena

Tolya: Elena Vasilyevna Kuragina 

Lena: WHAT 

Tolya: go get my boyfriend

Lena: fine. 


	6. medium

*Lena and Marya D.’s private chat* 

Marya D.: What exactly are you doing?

Lena: my brother keeps bugging me so now i'm picking up dolokhov to keep him quiet

Marya D.: Oh. 

Marya D.: I feel bad for him, you know. Having to put up with your brother. 

Marya D.: He should pity me as well, dealing with you.

Lena: you love me 

*Main chat*

Natasha: That was fun

Pierre: Yeah, surprisingly. 

*Lena changed Marya D.’s name to milf* 

milf: What. 

*Fedya changed Lena’s name to crackhead mf* 

crackhead mf: coolio

Tolya: wait lemme join

*Tolya changed Fedya’s name to Fed* 

Fed: That’s not even a funny name 

Tolya: I know 

Tolya: ily 

Tolya: come cuddle me

Fed: k 

Natasha: Wait

Natasha: I forgot to ask.

Natasha: Are you two dating? 

Fed: probably 

Natasha: I… nvm 

milf: What is it Natasha? 

Natasha: I thought Dolokhov was dating Sonya? 

Sonya: huh

Natasha: Because I found a letter addressed to you and it was a love letter from “anonymous”. 

Natasha: And I was wondering who it was but then you were at the park with him so I figured… 

Fed: I can promise you we’re not dating. 

Sonya: Far from it. 

Sonya: Actually… I have something to confess. 

crackhead mf: go on.. 

Sonya: He actually arranged all of this. 

Natasha: What? 

Sonya: I was at the movies with Mary… I didn't want anyone to know because I snuck her out and I panicked and said I was with Dolokhov because I thought he was single and he’s really not that bad once you get to know him and I'm sorry. 

Natasha: Dolokhov arranged this? 

Fed: Am I in trouble? Because Anatole and I do actually have a nice summer home in Petersburg I can wake him up. 

Natasha: Thank you. 

Fed: ? 

Natasha: Thank you for helping her out. No, I’m not mad. 

Fed:....... good ? 

Tolya: can we make this about me again? I'm bored

Fed: stfu 


	7. what about pierre

Pierre: What the fuck just happened

Pierre: I’m gonna go drink. 

*Pierre left the chat* 


	8. trOIKA

*Natasha added Sonya to a private chatroom* 

Sonya: What’s up? 

Natasha: I was just wondering.. 

Sonya: Wondering…. what? 

Natasha: Do you.. like Mary? 

Natasha: Like, like like Mary? 

Natasha: The way I like Andrei? 

Sonya:.... maybe? 

Sonya: I’m not sure

Natasha: Oh. Because it doesn’t matter, you know. And I did kinda have a feeling anal toe and dolly knob were gonna get together eventually. 

Sonya: oh

Natasha: And I just wanted you to know that it doesn’t change anything. Who you like, I mean. 

Sonya: Well, thank you. 

*Main chat* 

*Tolya added trOIKA to the chat*

Fed: Anal toe what the fuck 

trOIKA: yEaa whaaAt thE Fuucjkk 

milf: ANATOLE KURAGIN 

Fed: where even ARE you? I called like an hour ago 

crackhead mf: hhhhhheeeeeeswifmee me mem em 

milf: ELENA KURAGINA 

Tolya: TROIKAA AA A A A 

Fed: WHere are you??? 

Tolya: TRuCK TROIKA 

crackhead mf: TRUCK TROIKAA 

Milf: Hélène Vasilyevna Kuragina tell me where you are. 

trOIKA: AAUVOGYBALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGA 

Fed: Jesus fucking christ

Fed: They’re at the club

Fed: With Balaga 

Tolya: FED 

Fed: what

Tolya: FEdFEDFEDFEDFEFDEF 

Milf: My god. 

Tolya: J’AIME FED 

Fed: Tolya

Fed: Anatole. 

Fed: You’re drunk. Very, very drunk. Now, what I would do in your situation is: stop typing, you’ll embarrass yourself, and I WILL use it for blackmail. I’m coming to get you. Stay there. 

Tolya: JE M'EN FOUS 

Tolya: JE SUIS AMOUREUX DE FED 

*Milf left the chat* 

Sonya: What the fuck is happening 

Fed: Anatole is drunkenly confessing his love for me, Hélène is yelling about troikas, and Balaga is here now. 

Natasha: I’m not even gonna ask. It was nice talking to all of you. 

*Natasha left the chat* 

Sonya: Good idea. 

*Sonya left the chat* 

trOIKA: TROIKA 


	9. huh

*Tolya and Fed’s private chat*

Tolya: what the fuck happened last night 

Fed: I have no idea

Tolya: I do love you though

Fed: Oh come up stairs

Tolya: ? 

Fed: i'm touch starved

Fed: come touch me 

Tolya ok ;) 

Fed: ;( 


	10. finalee

*Main chat* 

*Fed removed trOIKA from the chat* 

Fed: Lena? 

crackhead mf: yeah? 

Fed: I’m gonna come over with tole, k? 

crackhead mf: yup

Tolya: my head huuuuuuuurtssss 

Fed: I’d be concerned if it didn’t. C’mon babe

Tolya: babe? 

Fed: babe. 

*Fed left the chat* 

*Tolya left the chat* 

crackhead mf: they’re so cute

*crackhead mf left the chat* 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, i'm done.


End file.
